Fight

She fought and laughed and loved until the end. From now on, I’ll try to be just like her.

Goodbye, Leah

Advertisements

Alternative Activities

Okay, sorry I’m off schedule, but things have been crazy for me at my new job! I’m now in charge of graphics, both video and regular visual mediums! It’s crazy! I had my first large project and finished it beyond their expectations!

I feel like I’m yelling 😁

Enough about that though. As you can see drawing everyday has whet my appetite for art. I’ve drawn so much in the last week…

I did another picture of Amy Winehouse, this time as a commission for someone. As a special treat, they sat with me while I did the work.

During the process, she remarked that my work was so confident and my years of experience really shone through. I nodded serenely…

Here’s what I was thinking:

“Holy crap! She’s watching me!”

“Please PLEASE, don’t screw up”

“Is this the right colour?”

Luckily everything turned out well and I was rewarded with an awesome pic and a adorably sweet new fan

I then drew this in 20 minutes.

It was crazy; art was pouring out of me! Then I got a dash of cold reality water when my new job…

…I told you this part. I’m a wage earning artist 😊

I was so happy that on the train ride home, I made this.

Markers and mixed media paper. I think I might stay for awhile.


Muesday

This week’s Monday is brought to you by Tuesday. No? Not funny?

Fine.

This isn’t the project I wanted to do. Amy took a lot to do and I’m not sure if I’ll EVER finish the version I have in mind.

You see, I discovered Amy Winehouse during my divorce. Gender aside, her music distinctly fit my mood. It didn’t really soothe me, per se; I just felt less alone in my emotional state.

And then she died.

Even now, even years later, I can’t begin to explain how hard it hit me. I had crying jags that would just happen. I stopped eating. I stopped dating, stayed in bed and finally… killed myself.

Yeah.

When I say “killed”, I mean that I had to be brought back. Which meant mandatory therapy. Apparently the mechanism that held me together when my family fell apart was Amy.

So losing her threw all that grief at me at once. I guess that means that I now know my breaking point. Always find the positives if you can.

So… anyway. Listening to her music makes me tear up a little. Drawing her is HARD, the way drawing a loved one is. No, I don’t love her. I don’t know her and that’d just be some twisted obsession. It’s more that she’s permanently attached to my sense of sadness, betrayal and loss.

It isn’t an ideal situation.

Am I better? Nope. Not at all. But I’m still around.


[un]bored

Getting people to go along with the things you want, as if it were their choice was the theme last week. I got a lot done in my new job, but a surprising amount of effort was involved…

First I had to pass a Photoshop test, which I found odd for video production. But hey, whatever. I decided to doodle instead.

So while my boss watched, I made an astronaut out of thin air. Honestly I was surprised because it’s been awhile since I’ve created digital content. It came out okay though.

And doubled my workload.

Instead of allowing myself to get down, I just resolved to get them to give me the entire creative cloud and dual monitors. And they did!

By the time the weekend came, I was feeling pretty good about my prospects. Then I was offered several commissions! Where was all this when I really needed it?!

Anyway, the Prismacolor markers on Bristol Board paper thing often comes out looking like watercolours to some people. Having worked in that medium I can see it, kinda.

I get a few questions when I’m doing stuff like this. Some people see the headphones and leave me in peace, but not everyone is as courteous.

It was a really great week.


Stay[away]

This is me. Not real me, but kind of close to it. There have been a few changes, renovations, I guess you’d call them. But I can’t be myself with the people I know. So I’ll do it here.

Hope you don’t mind.

I find that I’m happiest now when I’m alone. Or rather, my pain is something that belongs to me. I feel embarrassed by it and I’m jealous of it.

Anyway, maybe I’ll come here when I need to. Maybe no one will ever read these. It’ll be my own mental cabin, a place I can go when I can’t go anywhere else.


My First Love

    A lot of people spend their whole lives trying to find a great job or person. For me I was in love before I knew what that was. Sounds weird, right? Allow me to explain…

    I have ALWAYS been an artist. My earliest memories are of drawing; in dirt, mud,, paper, sidewalks, homework, lol. I’m a people watcher by nature, which makes me an introvert perhaps, but I can mimic your mannerisms. So far it’s been enough.

     They say it takes ten thousand hours to master any skill. So if you start at, say, three and you’re now forty six… you should be okay, right? 

Sure.

    The REAL trick was uncoupling my skills from my emotions. Because over the years it became tied to my anger and frustration. That part almost killed me. Honestly, it’s not completely done yet. Sometimes it’s still trying to kill me. I’m aware of this. I fight it. Mostly.

       I’m telling you all this because I recently had a VERY confusing interaction with another artist. He’d only just started and was doing really well. He was asking me what it was like when I started out and I had no answers for him. He may as well have asked me what my first breath tasted like, you know?

    He became irritated with me and decided to unfriend me because I was selfish and didn’t want to help him. But I couldn’t. But it made me feel bad. So, I guess I’m going to have to take classes.


Anchor of Life

       I keep allowing myself to be buried in work! I want to believe that it’s dedication and drive, but honestly, it’s my inability to turn down projects right now.

      For instance I have an appointment with my bank to set up an account for my art. Why? Because supplies and payments. I was doing everything through my personal account; now that I’m making a profit, I need to separate the income for tax purposes.

    Anyway, what does that have to do with the bunny? Well, the bunny was a rare thing; it was done for FUN. Which tells me that I’ve stepped off of the golden path.

      I wanted all of my projects to be fun. I want to be well paid for what I do by choice. Right now a lot of the work I have coming up isn’t mine. It’s for others. The good news is that the deposits have rid me of those who won’t pay. 

      I never realized how easy it was to fall back into “the daily grind”.